Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.

Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it

*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curves

Me, taking off my Spanx: behold

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone

To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.

interviewer: describe yourself in one word

me: great listener

I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*

*It’s whoa, by the way

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.

What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.

Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.

i think we should see other cousins

If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”

Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.

I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me

Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD

That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.

I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.

some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.

Me: Know any potato jokes?

My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?

My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.

[first day]

Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you

Me: I’ll be fine

Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you

There are really only two seasons:

soup
salad

I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers