Pringles
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Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Breaking news:
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Me: “if you eat toilet paper, does it save time in the end?
Interviewer: “…”
Me: “Oh you mean questions about the job!”
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
All excellent questions
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
termite twitter scares me