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What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Him: The ceiling is dripping water!!
Me: No, that’s just God crying.
*panics thinking about the ice castle I built for my stolen penguin*
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.