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Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
OKAY DAD
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
how to exercise your calf muscles
Me: “you can’t just buy my forgiveness with cheese”
2 minutes later Me: “ok you can, this is some damn good cheese”
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
“Adult assembly required” bro, how tf do you build an adult?
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.