Printer ink is expensive
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Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Freak out your neighbors by removing one member of their stick figure decal family each night.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
i’m trying to quit making sexual innuendos but it’s so hard
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
some Old Testament wisdom
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.