Printer ink is expensive
You Might Also Like
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Mothra: [flying around]
Godzilla: [waving a rolled up magazine]
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
I’m having an out of money experience.
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
Catering service
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?