printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
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Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
*secretly fills your birthday piñata with hornets*
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”