Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.

I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.

When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*

ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.

THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.

ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”

I hope to one day be as happy as my dad when he puts his car in reverse and says “ah, this takes me back”

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…

English teacher: I’m listening

Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

Living the best life.. 😊

“My phone is blowing up!”

*2 unread messages*

Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.

Me: can you come in here a second?

Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?

Me: not for you

(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)

Kid: You’re not a Dr!

Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?

Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.

If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.

Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.

WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please

Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?

Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.

[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)

[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

Years ago I was able to find the trashcan in a friend’s kitchen on the first try, and I’ve been riding that high ever since

[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.

Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering

Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?