Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
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Judging by your selfie, I can’t help wonder why your mother didn’t try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.
Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.
when paris hilton singlehandedly saved the US economy
People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.