printer: replace cyan ink cartridge

me: why? It’s a black and white document

printer: need cyan to print it

me: why?

printer: cyan

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Judging by your selfie, I can’t help wonder why your mother didn’t try & sell you to a circus when you were younger.


[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit


I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.


Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.


Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.


No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.


If wandering off was an Olympic sport, my mind would be a gold medalist.


People that stop in the middle of the grocery aisle are my favorite.