printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
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Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
It’s cute that kids think they’re safer with the light on, when actually it makes you more vulnerable and easier to spot.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
what’s really going on
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*