Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”

alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first

[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho

I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.

[During quarantine]

Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.

Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?

I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?

Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.

Me: I’m so tired.

Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.

Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago

[after recapturing an escaped convict]

sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”

convict:

deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”

sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”

if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.

Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.

Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.

Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago

(burglar breaks into my house)

me: Reginald, kill!

pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*

How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.

Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!

ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?

THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure

Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.

i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.