Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed

*turns on broadcast TV*

Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?

*sees Activia ad*

*sees Metamucil ad*

*sees Cialis ad*

I think I have the answer.

ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer

HER: it’s ok i don’t drink

ME: ok we have 2 problems

A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!

I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:

“So do we have super glue?”

Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.

When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.

Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.

This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.

Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.

Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.