Priorities
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STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Today I learned that while playing vintage Mario Bros, screaming “GO DOWN” when you can’t get Mario to go in the pipe leads to some awkward questions when your parents overhear you.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
😭😭
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
So I went to the Doctors yesterday to ask him if he could give me anything for awful wind.
He handed me a kite !!
#mondaymirth
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure