Priorities
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I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Apologizing after bumping into a mannequin is embarrassing, but apologizing a second time is significantly worse when the mannequin moves and you realize you just said “sorry, I thought you were a person” to a live human being
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?
me: hell yeah
girl: how about your address?
me: oh for sure, come by
girl: and your mother’s maiden name?
me: wait what
And that about sums it up.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.