Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
You Might Also Like
I love to see “pan-fried” on a menu. I hate food that’s fried in a shoe or a dolphin or something
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Leaving an open jar of mayo on my desk in case anyone needs a hit
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
“This restaurant is so good I came twice,” she says.
“When was the other time you ate here?” he asks.
“Oh, no, this is my first time here.”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio