Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
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the court clerk in surfer court: do you swear to tell the truth & nothing but the truth & refrain from telling stories that are grody to the max, so help you god?
me, with my right hand in the air & my left hand on a ham sandwich: totally
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
I held the door for an old person today and he was like, “didn’t we go to high school together” and we did.
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up