Priorities
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unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
Breaking news:
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
BRAKING NEWS!!
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.