Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.

I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals

[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]

11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.

Me: What class is this for?

11: I haven’t started yet.

I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.

I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.

me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that

If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.

*only works at Home Depot

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.

Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit

Today’s weather from Yorkshire

Man’s guide for a selfie:

1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie

[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”

My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard

Just another unrealistic body expectation for women

He is just living hist best little life 😊

Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end

Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately

A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.

I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!