Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.

*E=mcHammer

*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched

I’ve had the same dentist for 40 years, so it pisses me right off when he asks if I want a sticker. Of course I want a sticker, I always want my sticker. It’s bloody scary going to the dentists and I deserve my sticker compensation. Once I got two and I was so fucking happy.

Best things to pull:

9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger

Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high

Wife: how high

My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man

Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.

Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about

HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.

Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?

Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot

i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue

If you skip away from a crime they’ll never suspect you.

a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”

I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.

Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack

Therapist: How do you feel now?

Me: With my elbows

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁

My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?