Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]

Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.

Old people understand Roman numerals. I for one

dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly

patient: he doesn’t even know my mom

dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.

Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U

eats a dozen doughnuts…

*checks for flabs*

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’

ME: can you use it in a sentence?

JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?

[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow

My dryer is celebrating lint.

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.

the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab

Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?

Me: Yes, a bit

Dr: And now?

Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex

PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes

KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

GOD: This one is a giraffe.

ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-

GOD: They have no vocal chords.

ANGEL: Dude… come on

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.

I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver

My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.

Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?

Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.