Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:

Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house

i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway

Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”

No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.

ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you

Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

Khan: Revenge is a dish best served cold, and it is very cold in space…

Kirk, who is from Iowa: Oh, you think space is cold?

Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call

Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏

If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat

Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.

yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing

Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.

You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.

In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.

Me when the elevator tries to leave without me

*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*

Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure

When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]