Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*

– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.

In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.

I’m sorry I don’t speak any English

-me when someone starts talking to me

003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?

– 4 Non Bonds

I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.

If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.

My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?

She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs

dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please

WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?

ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

“I should probably start filling this thing out.”

-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”

[at an umpire’s funeral]

me: i’m so sorry. how did he die?

mourner: STEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-ROKE!!

MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.

I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow

My GPS just told me to turn left into a cornfield and now I’m afraid it wants to murder me.

Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

ME: where ya headed after Denver

PILOT: flying into Boulder

ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others

If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.