Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

her: wanna be my fwb?

me: friends with bacon???

her: …

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

Happy Halloween 🎃

Me in tagged photos

They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light

Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches

Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.

Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.

I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.

My boss is marrying a Chinese woman.

Is throwing rice at a Chinese wedding considered lucky or a food fight?

Me: “Your mum sucks.”

GF: “That’s not very nice.”

Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”

I enter the wrestling ring in jeans and a tshirt. My opponent’s confidence sinks as she sees me biting into an ice cream cone with my teeth. Clearly I am crazy.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

Nobody said you have to like your colleagues.

But apparently there are some explicit rules about poisoning them.

“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you

Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog

My two-year old twin nephews are the proverbial bundles of energy. And on bath night they’re clean energy.

New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.

When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.

Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy