Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

this has to be peak English

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,

Me: did you actually brush your teeth?

11: yes

Me:

11: I did!

Me:

11: just maybe not all of them

My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.

A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.

Alas, this is not so.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.

Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: Is he a doctor?

ibopfufen

Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell

Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.

As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.

[first day in gang]

LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart

ME: oh i am

LEADER: prove it

ME: *names every street in city*

LEADER: holy shit

Okey dokey.

What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂

The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.

me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: may

me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results

my english teacher: no i mean the month

20s wristband:
After hours club.

50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.

6yo: You’re grounded.

Me: Okay.

6yo: FOREVER!

Me: Thank you.

My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked

I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”

friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”

me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.