[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
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Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
Breaking news:
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
Me irl
A family that plays together cheats.