Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*

Moon: delete it

streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy

You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.

Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.

Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?

*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*

Me: The gym.

WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd

ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

‘Pizza toppings. Go.’

-Me, speed dating.

All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.

What a Brit says when all of their hopes and dreams are crushed:

“Ah well”
“Never mind, eh”
“Wasn’t meant to be”
“Shame”
“Could be worse”
“Such is life”
“Hey ho”
“Can’t be helped”
“Mustn’t grumble”
“Right”
“It is what it is”
“I knew it”
“We’re still alive… barely”
“At least it’s not raining”
“I’ll put the kettle on”
“We’ll laugh about this one day”
“Typical”
“Bugger”

😂

my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.

I’ve just taken a tablet that completely erases your memory of the last 24hrs.
What was I thinking?

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.

2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.

i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain

*teaches nephew about the telegraph*

him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?

rapatouille

Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

Autocorrect is my menesis

Me: *calls* How are my kids?

Grandma: We’re having so much fun

Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-

Grandma: Come get your kids.

Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs

Them: I think she already named them.