Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

*waters flowers*
*flowers die*

*sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*

If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!

God: take it

Satan: no you take it

God: no you take it

Satan: i dont want it

God: well its no good to me

Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name

Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.

Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?

I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.

just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭

If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house

started wrapping my pills in cheese

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges

Husband; Who was at the door?

Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.

Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?

Me:

Husband:

Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.

Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life

[First day as a waiter]

Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?

Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Top Gun is a Christmas movie.

There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose

Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.

Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.

GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now

*uses phone flashlight to look for phone*

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

Of course I stay hydrated, carbohydrated.

Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.

Sign: “No alcohol past this point.”

Translation: Bet you can’t chug this entire beer, right now.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.

I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.