Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.

COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]

It’s Friday after 2, setting automatic replies in outlook to just say “Chimichanga” with no further explanation.

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?

Friend: You mean my wedding?

Me: Yeah, sure!

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.

I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza

I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.

{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.

I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.

15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.

Why can’t we have a civil debate?

– people who can’t even stay on topic

Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.

I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’

*Lies on the couch*

You ever take a nap so good that you thought you missed the school bus. But it’s Sunday…and you’re 32.

Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*

My gynecologist: can you not?

[Karaoke Bar]

Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶

Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.

Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit

[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”