Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.

Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.

Me: What lockdown?

I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.

Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me

My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard

But only one at a time because quarantine

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there

Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.

My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.

[1 MINUTE LATER]

My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…

Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.

The prophecy is fulfilled

Nobody:

Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME

You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.

Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.

Chairs are pretty great.

You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.

If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.

Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell

Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song

they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.

Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?

Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.

ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones

CORONER: what the hell have you done

I’m not seeing “cat herder” on any of these job websites.

do what now??

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

[getting a ride home]

Me: ok keep going straight here

Train engineer: stop saying that