Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.

They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.

I have to work tomorrow.

The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on

How can vampires enjoy drinking our hot blood in the summer and other thoughts that keep me up at night

Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…

…speaking for my kids, this checks out.

Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

No one told me my life would become so much googling it

asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.

Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat

Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-

Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.

i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead

Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.

Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”

Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”

💀

My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.

started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds

When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way

“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”

Me:

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye