prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
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[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
Sure, I’d take a bullet for you, but how does robbing an ammunition store prove my love?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Me [eating an entire rotisserie chicken]: they say never go shopping hungry
My GF: we’re going to Lowe’s
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
🖤✌🏽
