Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”

Me: “Yes I did.”

Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

No.

[waking up after a night of drinking]

Age 21: did i make out with someone

Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog

According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”

ME: How was your first day?

MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you

Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”

If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?

every raccoon you see is currently on parole

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”

Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?

– Naaah –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one

– LOL NO –

Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL

*Awkward silence*

Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.

I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.

My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa

Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.

Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?

I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well

Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library

Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on

Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty

Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!

(Line goes dead)

only writing recipes in wordart from now on