Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know

Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.

All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.

Stop. It’s not like I’m after everyone’s husband. Just yours.

My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”

<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!

me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*

dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash

Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?

Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store

Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.

Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.

the zen of frog

“Are you mad at me?”

No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????

How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?

[first day on wind farm]

me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze

I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”

[doctor looking at my xrays]

doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of

me: what

doctor: skeletons

I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.

If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.