Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.

When you can’t find your friend Neil

You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic

Remembering the time the hubs and I bought a bunch of candy for Halloween but no kids came to our door so we just drove around town begging kids to come get it from our car….Probably coulda used another brainstorming sesh on that one

Me: I only want two strips of bacon.

Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

date: what do you do for a living?

me: i make trojan horses

date: that’s not what i’d expect

me: yah that’s the idea

[fancy restaurant]

me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?

moth date: [shrugs]

if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real

Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.

i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.

The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.

*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.

My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”

He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”

That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO

Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”

Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”

My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.

Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.

Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one

Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?

9-year-old: My coolest shirt.

Me: What about the second day?

9: My coolest shirt again.

I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.

ok this is getting ridiculous. it can’t just be the one guy. it’s gotta be a group of people pooping my son’s diaper

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.