Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.

I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time

Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.

My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative

therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now

me: ok rank us

Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.

When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute

If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

COP: Know why I stopped you?

“Drag racing?”

COP: Nope.

“Speeding?”

COP: Definitely not.

“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”

COP: That’s the one.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.

My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.

I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.

Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”

saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad

oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage