Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer

Become a minion. Get that bread.

As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.

That new corduroy pillow is really making headlines

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

Sponch

Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?

All of retail: No.

The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.

Husband of the year 😂

Me: *points to donut case*

Her: How many would you like, ma’am?

Me: Yes.

DATING: Goodnight

ENGAGED: Sweet dreams

MARRIED: Is the car locked?

Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.

Its a hippotatomus

I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…

That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants

I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.

Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?

I would like even faster food.

GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

In 1987, an American weapons manufacturing employee joked to his boss that he had sold secrets to the Daleks. The boss reported the employee and the matter reached the FBI, where the investigation stopped after someone explained who the Daleks were.

I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.

By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.