prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
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6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Mom: did you get an A on your spanish test
Me: C
Mom: okay mr mexico 🤩
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.