Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?

My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless

my brains: buy stuff

me: no listen i need a purpose

brain: a purchase?

7yo: Is that you in the picture?

Me: Yes. Isn’t it fun looking at old pictures?

9yo: You look different.

7: Yes, your face was skinnier.

9: Your hair looks way better in the picture.

Me: That’s enough fun for one day.

(To the guy at urinal next to me) You’re doing the right thing. Going here and not in your pants

[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]

MARIE KONDO: does this empty box spark joy?

ME: yes

MK: and this old iPhone 4 box?

ME: yes

MK: and allll of these Amazon boxes? do they spark joy too?

ME: yes

MK: and this other one over here with all of these smaller boxes inside it?

ME: yes

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore.

When you swim in the sea and an eel bites your knee, that’s a moray.

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.

Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.

And outside.

I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears

The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

[first date]

Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey

Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman

Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!

Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes

There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.

I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…