Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
![]()
You Might Also Like
COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?
ME: He seemed mad
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Ok, but like, how married are you?
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Can’t wait for the Olympics to start so the country can be on the same side again
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me