Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
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My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Parenting is like I would take a bullet for you but if you leave one more dirty Kleenex lying around I’m going to kill you myself.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
I’m living in a parallel universe where I suck at perpendicular parking.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Jake Paul just announced that he’s fighting my dead grandmother next.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
What’s the point buying it then?
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.