me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
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Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
Fight
(yawn)
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it