Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
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It’s 9:00 p.m. And an ice cream truck just blew past my house . Doesn’t he know I can’t run that fast
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Why do people brag about how little sleep they get?
“Yeah I only get like 3 or 4 hours a night”
Cool man, I guess I’ll just… continue having a better life than yours
So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.
But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
going to get institutionalized does anyone want anything
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.