Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.

I think I need a hard boiled egg.

*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES

Cow Scientist: Sir, we’ve discovered a deadly aMOOOba infecting our milk. It has a very high MOOOtality rate and it’s rapidly MOOOtating

Cow President: *grimly* Holy cow

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?

i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven

It’s interesting that the emojis show the earth from three angles 🌎 🌍 🌏 but not the fourth.

Though 🔵 is a fair approximation of what it would look like.

People underestimate the Pacific.

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

Using “Hello” as a greeting

– boring
– uninspired
– predictable

Using “Hiya” as a greeting

– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate

[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”

Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans

If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

Cndnsd Mlk

When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.

So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.

After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn

Here’s a step by step guide to staircases

*gives you a handrail*

shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

My son is suspended?

Yes, in-school suspension.

So he goes to school?

Yes, but he’s suspended.

Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?

Yes.

Idiot.

“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago

*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*

*Picks broccoli out while eating it*

Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*

[first 2 hours of meeting]

Coworker:

[last 2 minutes of meeting]

Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo