Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile

(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”

“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.

People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.

Both seem so much better before you take them home.

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.

I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office

– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.

My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.

All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.

I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.

Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]

Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go

interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?

me: umm I believe those are from the space bar

I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

HR: Did you call an employee stupid?

Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.

Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn

What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

waiter: I’ll be right back with your ticket

me: can you just let me go with a warning this time

Erm I’m gonna say no