Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
You Might Also Like
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
[Looking round a museum]
ME: Hey Patricia, have you seen this pterodactyl?DATE: Yeah, but *smiles* you don’t pronounce the p
ME: Oh God I’m such an idiot! I feel stupid now, Atricia
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
There is wisdom there.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.