Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

“Remember where we parked.”

-Me, to my dog.

The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.

I will hear no other opinions on this matter.

If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.

AWWWW 😍

This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”

Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.

*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

[breakfast]

Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.

Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.

on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!

I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late

*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.

ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.

try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane

its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer

Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside

– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars

Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively

me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof

friend: oof

me: pretty much