Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Google: and you want to represent us?

Me: yes, I am very qualified

Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room

Me: overruled

ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?

Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.

Me: Why, do you hear laughter?

My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos

Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.

The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.

Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV

ROMAN: What?!

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time?

ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?

*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*

I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.

my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store

I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!

I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene

How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?

New librarian said “I haven’t worked much with youth. How do you tell tweens from teens?”
“You know they’re tweens if they gather loudly around the computers and horse around in the restrooms.”
“And the teens?”
“You can tell they’re teens if they’re not here in the library.”

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L

ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable

Teacher: Write what you know.

Student: *writes “what you know.”*

[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god

Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.

i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?