Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor

People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

JERY: Maybe you can just go back

TERESA MAY: go back ?

JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.

MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?

JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously

My wife got mad at me because I got fast food without asking her if she wanted anything, so she used her flat iron to turn my curly fries into regular fries.

Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”

I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.

I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!

Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”

Guy: “It’s completely full.”

Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”

“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs

My body is a “wonder what happened” land

*Inspirational Tweets*

Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.

3yo: I won’t.

Wife: hey guys.

3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.

If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”

My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

i just found this in my phone

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.

The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad

shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?

Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.

Everything at the mini mart is normal-sized and I feel so betrayed.