Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
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I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
It’s a gift
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.