Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.

2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.

4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.

date: so what do you do?

me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.

fellas is it cheating to call people by their names

Ladies, why y’all do this?

TRUE STORY

Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.

when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS

[watching Olympic Figure Skating]

Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!

T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was

Me: oh

[ cookout ]

Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!

Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup

Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.

Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.

Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.

Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..

IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.

Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.

Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.

NETFLIX: Skip intro?

ME: Yes.

NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.

ME: Should…should I not skip it?

NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.

ME: Okay, skip intro.

NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

I’m like the hottest girl on this elevator.

Never mind, someone else just got on.

The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”

Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.

Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’

I grow mine one time and…

tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.

How all things should be taught/explained.