[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
You Might Also Like
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Me: [watching news]
Child: Why do you watch the news?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: I asked-
Me: I’M THINKING
If I ever found a unicorn it would probably only be about 5 minutes before I put it’s horn in my mouth.
The girl I’m babysitting doesn’t know that for tonight I’m allowed to let her watch as many Bluey episodes as she wants so she keeps asking for “one more.” And I get to be a benevolent god who gives her another. It’s a real thrill for both of us.
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.