[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no
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*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.