Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish

When I was a kid, dad would say ‘I’d give that a minute’ as he emerged from the bathroom after a heavy night on the beer.

I vowed I’d never be that crass with my kids, so I don’t give them any such warning.

BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

hmmmmmm

[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]

Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.

[slowly puts second tub in cart]

I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”

My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?

me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.

[Therapist appt.]

Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.

*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”

Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.

me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️

Lao Tzu:
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step

Lao Tzu [after having kids]:
It now takes a thousand steps before I even start a journey, godDAMMIT

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE

Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO

*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?

I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.