Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.

My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?

Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?

8: No.

Now I’m definitely going.

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need

Saturday

Slave: I know a way to escape

Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.

Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

How does North Korea only have four medals so far?

We’re the best at everything.

We even fed our athletes this time.

Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

A co-worker just used the word “elderly” to describe someone my age and that’s why I had to kill her.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.

“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.

The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing

Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys

Me, at 18: I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANNA DO

Me, at 40: I can do whatever 800mg of ibuprofen will allow me to do

If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.

“Will.he.was”

-Will.i.am’s tombstone