Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm

Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*

They also CAN sing✌️

[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]

the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah

CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.

Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.

I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”

Welcome home! How was your trip? Do you want to hear the good news about your plants or the bad news about your cat?

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

What happened to the other hiker??!

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.

So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

Just got a call from the vet to schedule my dog for her shots. I asked for an estimate and they transferred me over to their lending department.

getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point

ME: I’d like a free burrito

CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free

ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one

Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.

Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that

[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?

Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.