pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
You Might Also Like
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Seriously why do people do this to themselves?
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
[Dinosaur Rap Battle]
We’re gonna win this for sure!
“Wait, what kind of dinosaurs are we again?”
WE’RE RAPTORS! Jesus Christ Owen