Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
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If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
We watched Flight of the Navigator and my son asked if I had seen it before. I told him I saw it in the theater when it came out. “SERIOUSLY?!?” he asked. I said “yeah…why are you shocked?” and he goes, “Oh, sorry, I just never know what kind of technology y’all had back then.”
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
[first day as assassin]
mob boss: we need you to take care of someone
me: *spends next 25 years feeding & clothing a chap called dutch tony*
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…