Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
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17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?