Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.

Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?

I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.

Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*

95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.

I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.

My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did

Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

i don’t think it’ll all fit in there

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.

I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.

He says it’s ok.

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.

*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.

sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are

*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager

I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.

[America’s Got Talent]

Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?

Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time

So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.