Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests

My goal weight is:

2020 never happened.

I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.

I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.

Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters

Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?

(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the

If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.

Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff

When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.

– Hand held pencil sharpener

yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day

If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*

And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.

Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes

Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms

Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home

Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great

we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone

the saddest jazz hands ever

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?