Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious

SON: The car’s manual suggests not to turn the stereo up all the way.

DAD: Guess you could say-

SON: NO DON’T-

DAD: -that’s sound advice.

If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.

*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*

asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life

We all make silly mistakes like when I asked the lady with massive lip injections if she was allergic to bees.

I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there

I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.

2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*

5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?

My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.

My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.

*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?

The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.

Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.

Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?

It’s called Dye Another Day

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.

Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard

If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey

Top three meanings of “I was just joking”

3. I was just joking.

2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.

1. She looks angry, abort!

I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.

Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’

Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’

Therapist: ‘Really?’

Me: ‘No.’

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?

ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?

The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.

Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time

Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af