Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
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I had a really good charcoal fire going and now there’s nothing grillable left in the house.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”