Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
You Might Also Like
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
Woke up with morning Yule Log
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations
B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhristA.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else