Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
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Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
cop: do you know who the murderer is?
detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead
cop: [obviously disappointed] oh
detective quasimodo: what?
cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important
Things will be fine, eventually, in thousands of years, for rocks
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
🤣🤣💀
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that