Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have

“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

[i witness a crime]

COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement

ME: ok

[at the station]

ME: a hotdog is a sandwich

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine

sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”

You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?

I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.

But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.

People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.

Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.

Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!

i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64

i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”

I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-

Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-

Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.

violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)