Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics

Theater attendant:
Sir, you can’t bring your own popcorn in here

Me: *pausing microwave
What?

My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.

He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”

Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because of my hobby?

wife: yes

me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene

As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”

Dumple

Did…did a minotaur write this

Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?

Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.

God, or no god, those are good Brownies.

Interviewer : What are your expectations?

Me : Job.

Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?

Me : Salary

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.

Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way

Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection

Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.

we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood