Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m starting to think the girl in Madonna’s “Material Girl” is only interested in guys for their money, and not for who they are on the inside.

Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.

Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?

Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?

Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*

As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival

The office gossip approached me to say one of the eligible work bachelors was “asking about me” my very normal reaction was to blurt “tell him he’s too good for me!” and scurry away. Then throwing out a “I’m forbidden to wed!” So I think I’ll remain romantically retired for now.

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?

There’s a disturbance in the coffee.

{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.

[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*

[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts

Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.

Teen: Huh?

Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.

Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!

*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*

Me: Hey babe…who did this?

Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul

Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.

It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

“I just don’t understand why everyone is so worried about the quarantine weight gain. With proper diet, you can drop pounds in a few hours!”

*Gas station attendant nods*

“Anyway, I’ll take that sushi from last month, thanks”

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

when movies add that accordion music to scenes set in Paris, they’re actually trying to cover up the fact that every cafe in the city is constantly blasting songs from Now That’s What I Call Music! 4

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur

me: i’m doing well

webmd: you may want to sit down

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom