Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
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I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I was going to buy Oasis tickets but I found out if I set my money on fire in the backyard instead, I won’t have to pay for parking
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
My hips? Compulsive liars.